I have no recognition of where I found this meme. Perhaps, one of my Liberty-loving Puerto Rican friends attached it to an email or texted it to me.
What if this was an old-fashioned cordless hole puncher? I have had those and found them uniquely usable for educational needs and a few household chores. I bet if you took a real hole puncher, and attacked someone’s eyes with it, your victim would be in a whole lot of hurt. Or, if your wife and/or girlfriend is giving you some grief, use a hole puncher on her nipples or even worse, where the sun never shines.
If that is your idea of foreplay, you best have some very good running shoes on.
Ok, let us say for the sake of argument, that the Left will triumph in their quest for no more guns—for anyone.
I have, in response to the ever dictatorial Left, decided that in good faith there are some other things that must be banned immediately.
Pressure cookers —due to the Tsarnaev brothers and the Boston Marathon. This is a shame, but I suppose it is necessary. My mother used one to sterilize bottles when the baby sister arrived. She may have actually cooked a roast or two in it, though I’m not sure.
Poison. This is obvious, remember Lucrezia Borgia? Catherine Medici? Ok, what does one do for cockroaches or rats? I must massage my brain for this solution. Wait a minute! I’ve just had an epiphany. They can become new pets! Of course, if you try to put a leash on the poor cockroach, you may destroy his/her poor neck. So, you may be able to litter train them. Not with cat litter, but with honey or powdered sugar. Yes! Just pick a square non-carpeted place in your home, and sprinkle with sweet goodies. If you build it, they will come.
What about rodent pests? That is a bit more difficult, but listen up my friends, they can wear a leash, though they may not like it at first. We used to have guinea pigs, and I can say from experience, they are a fool for food. Rats happen to be very intelligent. Like a dog, they can be trained to sit pretty for a piece of cheese, or even better, the scraps from your dinner table. They, like dogs, will be your loyal friends for life. I shall name mine Ratfink.
Ropes. yes, these are used for suicides or tools for an evil mastermind. I just saw this recently on TV. To make a murder look like suicide, the evil actor placed a rope on a victim’s neck and hung him from the rafters. All reasonable people must then agree to ban ropes. Hmmm, I do see one problem: If you have a yacht or fishing boat, how do you secure it in a marina without ropes? These are known as lines in boat-speak. Let me ponder. Ok! I think I have it! We must use magnets on the boat and the dock. See how handily I solved that problem? I should run for office.
Magnets. Yes, I know that I solved the boat problem with that, but did you know that magnets are also used in homemade bombs? This is an old method, from the days of WWII. Still, at present, they are being used in Afghanistan. Note: loads of Afghanis, along with Iranians, just crossed the US/Mexican border. Soon, they and their magnet bombs will be showing in a neighborhood near you. So, expect the Magnet police to swoop down on your refrigerator in a heartbeat. No more Straight A Report Cards shall be allowed on any refrigerator, from now until I give the “All Clear’’ signal.
Bombs. But of course, all bombs must be banned! Every right-thinking person knows that! Once, during the early cold war, I asked my father why we could not have a bomb shelter. He directed me to bend over and kiss my behind goodbye if the Soviets attacked. Now, let us delve into the relationship of bombs to a national holiday known as the 4th of July. Have you ever set off a cherry bomb? Those make some really cool, and respectably loud, popping noises. Ok, I confess. I used one during my wild youth, age 10. My only 4th of July true love was sparklers.
Ah oh, I just thought of something. Are Sparklers the slippery slope to cherry bombs, magnet bombs, and even a homemade nuclear bomb? (I checked, directions for homemade nuclear dirty bombs can be found on the ‘net.) Therefore, All Sparklers Shall be banned!! As of now!!
Brooms. Now, why on earth would we ban brooms, and their cousins, mops? Elementary my dear Watson! Both have sticks. Have you ever been struck on the noggin with one of those sticks? The husband now and then puts a broom in our bed. I think he is trying to tell me something, but I’m not sure what. If you know, please forward me the answer. Even more troubling, now and then a sponge or mop is left near my side of the bed. Could it be that he expects me to do the nasty? Does he want me to clean our apartment? No, he could never have formed that nasty idea all by himself. It must have been a commercial on the Boob Tube.
All cleaning liquids. This may properly come under the heading of poisons. My mother used to use white vinegar for many surfaces. Oh, but due to BLM, I can no longer have White vinegar, so I wonder if black or brown vinegar is available. Apple cider vinegar is great but I only like it in water. Or, on salads. I must now, due to my reticence of hurting feelings, abandon the white vinegar for the more expensive and tasty Apple Cider vinegar. I do not want to offend anyone.
Words, Sorry, but words can be dangerous. They can hurt. They are hurting all the members of Black Lives Matter, except of course one of its founders, Patrice Cullors, who got (Four!) mansions with that outfit. So yes, from now on, every single American child will be using sign language instead. I now outlaw all words in any language.
What do you think? Would you vote for me if I were to run for Supreme Benign Dictator of the United States? Bet I could beat that old demented fool. You know, who I speak of because his failing brain is so obvious to anyone with 2-4 functioning brain cells.
Of course, the Left is going to be mowed down to the earth, like that lawn company I used to hire back in the Frozen Tundra, aka Philadelphia. It will be so much fun to watch from my balcony seat in Isla Verde, Puerto Rico. Popcorn and champagne will be provided if you wish to join the old hubby and me.
“… a Republic, if you can keep it,” were the words of my favorite Founding Father, Benjamin Franklin. For some reason, I have always had a thing for dirty old men. Rumor has it that Ben had a grand time in France—but that is just a rumor. The historical fact remains that Franklin had been asked about the type of government he and the others were attempting to form with the American Experiment.
The Founders created the checks and balance system so that never again would the likes of Mad King George III ever be allowed on our shores to govern. This is how it works in a nutshell: You have Congress to pull the purse strings. Bills can originate in either the Congress or the Senate. The CEO of the USA is the President of the Disunited States. He has veto power over any outlandish or inlandish bill.
However, if the Dear Leader vetos a bill, he must send it back to wherever it originated, House or Senate, and attach reasons for the veto. Here is where it gets really juicy: They can override the veto of His Majesty. The Founders did not want a replica of Mad King George III.
This is one reason for the Judicial branch. Now, I have a Constitutional question for all of my eager students. Who approves Supreme Court Judges, who have their job for life—wouldn’t we all love that job security?
One of my best friends on the island is a Democrat —or would be given the chance. She was entirely pissed that Merrick Garland did not get a seat on the Supreme Court.
She was aghast to learn to know that it is the Senate who approves or disapproves of a justice. Actually, all Federal Judges. My parents used to listen to my bedtime prayers. They are long gone, but usually, when I pray now, it is: Thank you lord, for stopping Merrick Garland. That boychick has absolutely no merit, as he has shown multiple times vis á vis the Covid Crisis. In fact, he is a mini-Dictator.
Thank you kindly, sir, but no thanks to him or any other pompous government dictator. I am including the Lamestream media in the dictator class. Don’t believe me? Pick up a copy of the New York Times and gaze at the obvious anti-American rhetoric.
America was a revolutionary idea at the time. Remember, at that time, most nations were ruled by autocrats. Yes, our history contains loads of warts: black slavery, white slavery, and lest we forget, Japanese-American internment during WWII.
If you elect me as Benign Dictator, my promise is to curtail the power of the Bureaucracy. At times, I picture the astonishment and revulsion on George Washington’s face if he were to take a gander at the Social Security Administration, the IRS, the NEA, NIH, NIHFW, and every other ugly bureaucratic stepchild that arose from our nation’s turbulent history.
Do you want Liberty plus Law and Order? Easy! Vote for me for Benign US Dictator.
My official campaign photo. I can also take your blood pressure and check your heart and lungs for unnatural sounds. A win-win situation!