We Love Cruising-But not on Norwegian Viva

It should be called the USS Abomination.

The excitement on our isleta of Puerto Rico was palpable. Everywhere you looked, billboards proclaimed the arrival of a megaship from Norwegian Cruise Lines. This was touted as being so magnificent, that all other cruise lines were going to die in their tracks, so just forget them.

I have been a travel junkie since age 17. Absolutely not one molecule of bad venues or bad deals slip by me.

So, how was I roped into this USS Abomination? My husband and I love cruising. Actually, he had proclaimed that there would be no travel with his travel-addicted wife unless is was a cruise. It is simply the only thing that the cattle prod and my entreaties could entice him with.

We have a 35-year-old marriage. How many can claim that? Not many. Oh, and this is 35-years married to each other. With two children. One grandchild. Yes.

So, without further ado, back to the review of the Norwegian Viva, which I have renamed, The USS Abomination.

Embarcation happened at lightning speed. This, I must point out was a unique situation. We chose December 15-27 because no one was getting off. This was a maiden voyage. Upon checking January dates, we saw trouble ahead.

January cruises allowed 3-4 guests to stay in your room for free. So, a ship that carried in the neighborhood of 3200 -passengers would swell to 3900 passengers in January.

As it was, we had to wait in lines to get to some venues. The lines moved fast; how fast would they move in January?

Most likely, as fast as your local DMV. Sounds like an ideal vacation, no?

Oh, and absolutely no bars or restaurants serving liquor when we wanted it. We are over 21. So far over we can’t even remember what 21 felt like.

Let that sink in: NO BOOZE on a cruise ship. As a matter of fact, one staff member actually berated me for wanting a Bloody Mary at 10a. Excuse me? I am paying to drink and eat when I want to..not when a stupid woman gives me permission.

We were, we erroneously thought, on vacation. No. It seems that We the Peasants were on Norwegian’s vacation. For this amazing gift they bestowed upon us, we got to spend $4000.

I began to calculate how much Botox and fillers I could buy for that gargantuan price. Some of you may have perused another section I write from time to time: Affordableplasticsurgery.substack.

Once on a Royal Caribbean, I actually got fillers and Botox for a fair price. Ladies, don’t try that at home or on the sea. I happen to possess a good/bad doctor compass. Best to wait until you are on firma terra.

Now, let us get down to what really floats my man’s boat: Food.

The first night we ate at Hudsons. In a word: Excretable. Not worth feeding your dog.

The rest of the food? Why oh why are you serving burned fish? One begins to feel sorry for the fish giving his life so a bad chef can ruin it. I wish Charlie the Tuna would organize a general strike.

Not that we were allowed in many restaurants. The hours for We The Customers were extremely limited. The buffet personnel turned us away on Day 1. She just said NO.

What should she have said? “I’m sorry, you may want to try…”

We went in anyway. Just try to stop me while I wield a cane! Once inside, a courteous staff member showed us to a window seat. This may be a classic case of the one hand not knowing what the other hand was doing.

As a matter of fact, when we first embarked and asked a few questions of staff, here is what we got:

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. For those of you have worked at a J.O.B., I don’t know is never something an employee should say. Try instead, “ I don’t know miss, but if you wait here I shall find someone who does.” Works every time.

I wonder who did know? I hope the captain and navigator knew…something.

Perhaps the Almighty knew. I looked for a chapel; no chapel. My husband used to dabble in palm reading, so my best bet was him. He was flummoxed too; so we headed for our room.

It was very large; that is where we spent the bulk of our cruise. But, for my taste, after all the brouhaha over this ship, I was looking for a WOW sensation. Instead I drowned in a sea of beige. With cheap components and lackluster prints.

One thing we both appreciated was the in-room coffee machine. Coffee is the elixir of life. so for the sake of fairness, I mention this. Coffee in the room for me is essential. We did see a man in a crowded elevator trying to balance six cups on a platter—we told him just to ask for a coffee maker.

There is no place like home: or Europe, South America, etc

We are silver level on Norwegian but this amenity is available to anyone who asks for it. Silver level is only a sliver above general peasant class. Oh, and we of the Norwegian Peasant class are not allowed in many venues.

We, being curious, peeked into one of those venues a peasant cannot trod: The Galaxy game room. We did not see actual games but the venue was extremely small. Folks, I have been in AA rooms far larger. And people were paying to be in this sardine can? Long live the thinking peasant!

This speaks to the general layout of the ship. One cannot get from point A to point B without passing through a restaurant or other venue. There is a profession known as Marine Architecture. Whosoever designed this mess must have been smoking something. Worse, I was not offered any.

Do you like water slides? They had one. From floor 18 to floor 17. Thrills and Chills! Even more idiocy: One dry slide goes from floor 18 to floor 8. This how it works, or not— so you be the judge.

One wraps oneself in a blanket on floor 18. Then, presumably, you slide to the 8th floor. Except when you get stuck. We watched this happen twice. After that there were no takers. Perhaps they could station a St Bernard dog at the opening to rescue in need.

I don’t know—it works in the Swiss Alps. Just a thought. We were not going to climb up halfway to get the poor lad. After that, we never saw it in use.

In the future, we shall be on the Celebrity Summit, a tried and true line that will arrive in Puerto Rico next year.

If we want something different, we will hop over to Miami where we have a plethora of choices. We have choices. So do you. Use it wisely.